Steve Vai is the Devil

Steve Vai is the Devil

-The Elusive Light and Sound 1-
Label: Favored Nations

Barbara Fara
MusicIncider Magazine

The Devil and His Agents On This CD: Ry Cooder - Producer, Slide Guitar. Steve Vai - Guitar, Arranger, Vocals, Multi Instruments, Producer, Engineer, Mastering, Art Direction, The Devil. Shuggie Otis – Guitar. Jorge Calderon – Bass. Joss Ackland w/ Peter Bayliss – Vocals. Bryan Beller – Bass. Gregg Bissonette – Drums. Chris Frazier – Drums.

Mike Keneally – Keyboards. Sonny Terry – Harmonica. Jeffrey C.J. Vanston – Keyboards. C.C. White - Vocals (bckgr). Roy Brocksmith – Vocals. Robin Dimaggio – Drums. Alex Winter – Vocals. Kimberly Evans - Vocals (bckgr). Keanu Reeves – Vocals.

Let me tell you a little story: The Devil was looking to retire. He had a nice fucking place on The River Styx, and he was looking to kick back with his 666 wives and four million squalling brats. But this particular Devil was a careful one. He knew he had to pick somebody other than one of his own kids. He loved his kids, but years worth of inbreeding had made them kind of fucking stupid. None of those kids had the talent that he loved the most either, which was playing the guitar. You may not know this- but this Devil played a mean ass guitar and had a blues side project in Mississippi known as The Crossroads. That influx of musicians into Hell made it kind of fun. There was always good shit to listen to, and those people that played music knew how to fucking party. They always had good stories to tell. –But it was time, and this guy knew it. Things were changing. The blues gave birth to rock and roll. A good manager has to keep up with the times. So he started planning on who he was going to pick to take over.

-This Devil played around with a lot of ideas. For awhile, he gave some serious thought to Joe Satriani. This guy was fucking good, too good –one of those pure good soul types. Those types were usually pretty boring and couldn’t possibly recruit anybody interesting enough to join the party in Hell. He was already marked by the guy who lived upstairs anyway. But young Joe had students, and one of them had a twinkle in his eye and a snarl on his lips. This one caught this Devil’s eye. He was from Long Island, and he knew you could ALWAYS work with people from Long Island providing that they weren’t BORING. –So this Devil started talking softly. You couldn’t just fucking sneak up on people. –The thing that this Devil forgot is sometimes you have to take them on a trip when they are from Long Island. They have to get away from that Long Island accent for a minute. The only word little Stevie Vai heard was BERKLEE-so off to the Berklee College of Music went little Stevie Vai. –The wives were starting to get a little pissed. Suddenly 666 women decided to have their periods forty days a month!

The Devil had to think a little faster, that Satriani thing had really set him back.

It was about this time that one of the Devil’s favorite minions, Frank Zappa, really started to get interesting. The Devil went to go see Frank and said, “I am gonna send you a boy, and he is taking over for me. I promise, you will love him. We can do some shots when you hit the party downstairs and you can tell me thanks.” Frank said-whatever man. Leave me some of that shit you let me last time, and it’s a deal.
-Back to Berklee. The Devil went to go see Vai at 11:45 pm one night. He had to wait ‘til 11:45 because little Stevie was getting laid, and the Devil had patience for the finer things in this life. –When the boy got back to his room, he was a little buzzed, so he was very easy to talk to.

-The Devil went first. He said, “Let’s cut the shit. I wanna make you a deal. My wives are pissed. My kids are out of control, and you know who the fuck I am. I need to go downstairs full time and run the show. I am going to put you in charge up here, and when you get downstairs it is all yours. Those fingers are a gift from me already. I will put you in charge of ALL the guitar players. Satriani is going to want to play for YOU. I am going to let you travel the world, and do whatever the fuck you want to. You just have to bring me people. The only thing that makes Hell worth a damn is the fucking music people.” Vai, never being at a loss for words, said “I could fucking do that without you.”
The Devil said, “Ballsy little fucker, aren’t you? Take my motherfucking hand.” -Before young Vai knew what was happening he was at Montauk Point in Long Island in front of EVERYBODY musically that the Devil had ever made a deal with. Hendrix and Joplin were on Steve’s review board. Evidently, this was a very big fucking deal.

The Devil addressed the board. “I was wrong. The little fucker doesn’t have what it takes. He plays like old people fuck.” Steve got pissed. This big guy was talking shit in front of fucking Hendrix. Steve knew he could outplay Hendrix, but he still respected the guy. Steve shot back with a Long Island, “You fucking cocksucker. Do you want to go first you fucking pussy boy?” The Devil said, “Little boy, I invented the fucking guitar, and if you win you can take MY guitar as a part of your soul.” The devil whipped out a solid gold electric, with gold strings and played every song that was ever written for guitar during the history of the world in twenty minutes. –“Pretty good for a fucking dinosaur,” said Vai. Long Island boys are notoriously cocky. The Devil passed the guitar to Vai. Vai played one song-Black Page by Frank Zappa. The Devil smiled a toothy grin, and the board stood up and clapped and stomped their feet. They cheered, “We have a new Devil. Vai, Vai, Vai.” “You win,” the old Devil said. That golden guitar disappeared from Vai’s hands and melted into his body. Vai just fucking grinned. He had always liked winning. Being in charge was going to be a bonus.

The old Devil said, “This is what you re going to do old son. You need to recruit the best guitar players in the world and put them on a record label. Every devil needs demons. You will know when the time comes, because the Devil knows shit like that. I have the rest of it mapped out for you, so kick back and enjoy the ride. Remember, the Devil is also a pretty good guy. So when you get some money, do some charity work to make sure you can recruit the right people to party in Hell. –I gotta go. Can you hear those bitches calling me?” -Steve Vai blinks his eyes and he is back in his hotel room in Berklee laying on the bed. He is thinking that the whole thing was a dream. Then he hears in a booming voice, “Send that fucking song to Zappa, he is waiting on it!” He also hears somebody laughing their ass off. Vai grins again and thinks-it is good to be number one. –Over the years, Vai played with Zappa and became familiar with the recruitment process. He played with a bunch of bands to get a feel for the job. He even did a stint with David Lee Roth. –He had to build a name. He had to go EVERYWHERE. Everywhere included the movies, and this is where The Elusive Light and Sound comes in-because everything should always be recorded. The Devil should know where he has been. But I am jumping ahead.

The Devil Vai knew when it was time and launched Favored Nations.
Vai takes the finest guitar players and signs them to his label. He has learned to make them an offer they can’t possibly refuse. -Elusive Light and Sound 1 comes from the Vai box sex. It shows us what an influence the Devil has had on movies. Without Vai, Crossroads and Bill and Ted’s Bogus journey would have sucked wind. -This cd set is a historical compilation of Vai’s movie work. It is missing Vai’s work on Ghosts of Mars. This cd is a reward for Vai minions all over the world that just can’t get enough. If you aren’t a Vai minion, don’t worry. He will be coming for you very soon.

Track Listing: What movies are they from.

3-6. Music from Crossroads: The Devil lets the Karate Kid win because it was IN THE SCRIPT.

7-8. Music from Dudes: Who saw this fucking movie anyway?

9-16. Music from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey: Bill and Ted meet the Devil, and he is Favored Nations. This movie would have TRULY
sucked without the music.

17-18. Music from Encino Man: Pauly Shore Steve? Did he beg you or something? What does he have on you?

19-40. Music from PCU: Great score by Vai. The Devil loves to party, but David Spade?

Track Listing: Track titles:

1. Celluloid heroes: The Devil does a Kinks cover, and he sings.
2. Love blood: For the Vampire Lestat. The Devil is calling you boy. Why don’t you listen? Does Anne Rice have plugs in your ears?
3. Fried chicken: This one didn’t make it into Crossroads. It should have. It makes you want to have some KFC.
4. Butler's bag: Just a little bit faster now. Music to play on the way to the Crossroads.
5. Head cuttin' duel: This is the total scene between the Karate Kid and Vai in the movie Crossroads. Another reward for Vai’s legions. It was not on the original soundtrack.
6. Eugene's trick bag: Vai’s attempt to make the Karate Kid sound like a guitar player. When I saw Crossroads I ALMOST believed the KK could play guitar.
7. Amazing grace: Remember, the Devil was once Lucifer, Angel of the Morning. The Angel of the Morning was the most beautiful-if God could have only played Let’s Make A Deal.
8. Louisiana swamp swank: Lift your legs, you are sinking straight to hell. Can’t you feel it sucking you down. Pick up your fucking feet man, move faster.
9. Air guitar hell: Just guitars. Every fucking idiot that plays air guitar probably hears this in his head. This is a reward from the Devil for the wannabes.
10. Reaper: The Devil has a theme song. It is a toss up between this and Head Cuttin Duel for best track.
11. Introducing the Wylde Stallions: Bill and Ted had to have a theme song in order to cover up the TERRIBLE acting. –Keanu Reeves has done pretty well for himself. I will bet he signed a contract.
12. Girls mature faster than guys: Another little tune that saves poor acting. Music makes it all good when you are the Devil.
13. Battle: Close your eyes, and you might think something is happening in this movie.
14. Meet the reaper: I can hear the reaper on the cd, but I never believed I saw him in the movie.
15. Final guitar solo: There was a final guitar solo in this movie?
16. Reaper rap: As always, I think the reaper should win.
17. Drive the hell out of here: One of the only good things about Encino man. Drive you stupid fuck!
18. Get the hell out of here: If Pauly Shore would only take this song literally, I might really like to start watching cable again.
-YOU NEVER HAVE TO WATCH PCU AGAIN IF YOU HAVE THIS CD. Watch. I am going to line the songs up and it tells the whole movie.-
19. Welcome pre frosh 20. Dark hallway. 21. Dead band ends
22. Cause heads 23. Find the meat 24. Ax will fall: Can you say Alien Love Secret’s ‘Juice’? The Devil is so good that people steal from him…I hope he went and got a contract for their souls.
25. Now we run. 26. Hey Jack. 27. What. 28. Still running.
29. Dead hands. 30. Blow me where the pampers is. 31. Pins and needles. 32. Plug my ass in. 33. Loose keg sightings.
34. Don't sweat it. 35. How hidge. 36. Beer beer. 37. We're not gonna protest. 38. Initiation. 39. See ya next year. 40. Now we run.

Without the Devil Vai, all of this bad acting complete with poor story lines would cause the end of the movie industry as we know it. With so many out of work actors, the restaurant industry would have way too many applicants. When the Devil Vai scores a movie, it is quite good for the economy. See, he is following the old Devil’s advice. He is doing some charitable work and influencing our lives. -So be a good minion. Go to Favored Nations shows. Buy any cd that says Vai or Favored Nations on it. If you piss him off, he isn’t going to let you into the party. Oh, in case you haven’t figured it out, he is THE guitar player.

*MusicIncider Magazine is a wholly owned and copyrighted subsidiary of Barbara Ann Fara Productions, Inc.*

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This article was written by Barbara Fara and is identified as Article #81.
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