The Angel-Joe Satriani at G3 in Atlanta
I told you about Vai, and how it is that he is the Devil. I told you about Malmsteen, and how it is that he is Nostradamus-but you know, we never talked about Joe Satriani being an Angel and how it happened now did we? We never talked about how Joe wound up teaching the Devil how to play guitar during the early years either…so I am going to tell you about that one now. See, I am the psychic. Nostradamus owes the Devil one because of the black plague-but what about Joe? What the hell happened with Joe Satriani-don’t you want to know? For six years-Satriani has been a third of G3, and he deserves to be told on just as much as I have told on the other two. So here we go.
A long time ago, the Archangel Gabriel called an emergency meeting in heaven. Gabriel liked to look into crystal balls even though it was VERY MUCH against the rules-he had to sneak a peak ever since that Mary thing. Gabriel had done some very fast talking and Immaculate Conception just seemed to roll off the tongue for the ages. Gabriel’s sister had, uhh, a small conception of her own about to happen with a certain Devil running a Crossroads project in Mississippi that was causing the powers that be many headaches because harp players were in short supply, and whoever they did get only played a blues harp. Angels didn’t look very dignified blowing on things and flipping their fingers around and Ariel was literally raising hell about it. Ahhh, but here was his sister-about to do the wild thing with the baddest boy in town and have a BABY that was going to take over for the current Devil. Not Good, not good at all. He immediately made plans to settle her and his soon to be born nephew in Long Island New York in a few years. If the powers that be found out, the two of them would be destroyed. Gabriel was a rule breaker, and he believed in family…even if that family was the competition. He was proud that his nephew was going to grow up to be such a bad ass. He believed in being number one, always. He hated being number two to Michael, very much. He wanted to insure his nephew’s success.
Gabriel SCREAMED for Raphael and told him what he saw. Raphael always knew how to calm him down and always had a fucking answer for everything-and he knew how to keep a secret. Raphael said, ‘Put a call in to your nephew Jophiel. Jophiel IS the angel of creativity after all.’ Gabriel ROARED at the top of his lungs and Joe appeared. –See, Joe was one Angel always willing to work the angle. Joe was BORED out of his MIND and was anxious to try a new thing or two. So Joe worked his angle on Gabriel and answered, ‘Hey Uncle Gabe-what’s up?’ Gabriel filled Joe in-and Joe saw an opening. Joe said, ‘Why don’t I just go down and keep a little eye on him? It is only going to be one hundred years or so, and I will be back before you know it. Besides-I dig the fucking guitar man. Ariel keeps sticking me in front of a harp. That bitch knows how to stifle The Angel of Creativity-let me tell you what. –Gabriel’s heart sank. Two nephews gone and his sister. At least it was good to hang out in Long Island. ‘Fine Joe, that will work-but we are going to have to sell it to fucking Michael in a different way. I am going to tell him that you are going to inspire music and teach them ALL about the Angelic path of guitar playing so that we will have fucking harp players. I know you. You will go down and sell your trip boy-just be sure that my other nephew picks up a guitar. Trust me, he will learn to play.’ Joe said, ‘Cool man. When do I leave?’ Gabriel said, ‘NOW.’ -Michael touched Joe with fire on the way out, because he did not approve of the plan-which accounts for that touched in the head by god thing. What the hell does Michael know anyway? -Minutes later, little Joe Satriani was born in Long Island New York smiling. He knew he was going to have fun.
I saw the Angel in 2003-just like I was supposed to. He played flawlessly and was trying to take us musically on a trip to see God-but we will talk more about God later. What can I say, I guess Atlanta is just heathen country-but we do love a great musician. Come back and try to save our souls again Joe. I had a damn good time and so did everyone else.
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